into the arms of God - a memorial service for eric edward chan

August 14, 2010

we held a memorial service for eric today. my mom suggested the idea to me a few months ago, but i never thought about it and pushed it away since i didn't like the idea of it. didn't feel ready. didn't want to say goodbye to eric. it wasn't up my ally.

my mom persisted and followed up with me time and again. her doctor believed it would be really beneficial for her, thought it would aid in her healing. eventually, i gave up trying to make excuses and gave in.

it was scheduled for today, at 3 pm. held at scarborough grace hospital in the chapel. apparently my parents met the chaplain at a workshop and she suggested that we hold this memorial service. i didn't know her. i thought the whole idea was strange. i was skeptical, cynical even. it was supposed to be for 30 minutes and it was only just the family. what good could come from it? i didn't see a point. what could we really accomplish in such a short amount of time with a person who didn't actually know us? a person i never even met before...?

my mom told us to bring something that we remembered eric by, a song, a poem, an object, anything. i decided to bring pooh of course, eric's favourite stuffed animal. pooh was our connection. we had so many times of playing pretend with our poohs. it was our excuse to bond and hang out with each other. we would never say why we did it, but we did it all the time. i miss those times.

my dad drove us and i fought with the feeling of skepticism during the ride. ann told me to keep an open heart, so i kept praying for that. i prayed that God would open our hearts and allow each of us to feel what we ought to feel, what we needed to feel. i prayed God would keep us open to whatever He had in store... yet all the time thinking, this would be a time for my parents, not me.

i put pooh in a bag because i didn't want him to get dirty, nor did i want people looking at him. i feel protective of pooh. for me, pooh is like eric. it's the closest thing to eric i still have so i am always watching out for pooh.

when we arrived, we met the chaplain. her name was scarlet. immediately, i felt my heart starting to close up, as i analyzed her and the entire setup and situation. it was uncomfortable, foreign, strange. i didn't want to be there. she told us to take out the things we brought. i didn't want her to touch pooh. she put him on this little stool and pooh almost fell off. that made me upset. i felt nervous that pooh would fall off. i couldn't deal with that. i kept a watchful eye over pooh for a while...

she told us to share why we brought what we did. i muttered some words and wanted to get this done with as soon as possible... and then, we started. i quickly glanced at the materials she gave us, especially the agenda. i dismissed it quickly, but i couldn't help but fixate my eyes on a few words.

eric edward chan - march 29, 1980 - august 13, 2003

that hurt. that really hurt. i hated looking at that. i hated that i was there... but i couldn't help but feel, the reality, the truth of it. it was true, wasn't it? i didn't want to accept it, but i didn't have any other choice.

she started going through the service. she read a poem to us. it was about how we felt about 'our child' - great, it really was for my parents, wasn't it? as she spoke the words out loud, i read along and my heart started to feel some of the pain, some of the truth of the words. it expressed how i felt too.

we moved on to corporate reading. and for the most part, i didn't feel a thing. i looked as tears started forming in both my parents... even ann. but i had nothing, until she came to the part where she referred to ann as the sister-in-law. what? sister-in-law...? that's right... ann would have been a sister-in-law. but she wasn't, because eric wasn't here anymore. that killed me inside. i have ALWAYS wanted eric to meet ann. that's one of the things that kills me to this day. because eric was one of the most important people in my life and ann is now the most important person in my life. for the two of them to meet would have meant the world to me. and that is something that can never happen in this lifetime. i started feeling deep pain in my heart. i hated it. why eric? why? how could you do this to us? to me? didn't you know how we'd respond?

scarlet then encouraged us to talk to eric directly. i wanted to, but i couldn't. i felt strange, awkward, afraid. i was conflicted. my mom started to speak. i'm glad she got the ball rolling. when she finished. there was a lot of silence. i wanted to say something, but i couldn't do it... until finally, i muttered eric's name out.

i wanted to talk to him so bad, so i just let whatever was in my heart to come out. i kept saying i hated not having him around. i felt angry. i felt upset with him. i wanted to ask him so many things. i wanted to say many things. tears started streaming down my face. i felt like i needed to wail, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i realized there really is a lot of strong feelings deep inside me that i have difficulty expressing.

my dad shared too. from that point, i don't really remember what happened or what scarlet said, but all i know is this, it was God led. i realized that i held unforgiveness in my heart towards eric. i never forgave him for what he did. i've been angry with him for seven years without knowing it. i've held bitterness and resentment towards him for seven years. i realized that i had been trying to control dealing with eric's death in my own strength. i wanted answers. i wanted it done my way. i felt sorry for myself. why me? why my brother? and i realized that by doing this, i had sinned against God. because i made it all about me. i refused to accept the reality of eric's death, that he really was gone. and that he now was with God, a much better place for him. i wanted to keep hanging on. i was afraid to let go. i didn't know how.

but somehow, i realized that i needed to finally accept the reality of it all. that eric was no longer with us. that he was indeed with God. and that i would never fully understand everything. that i had to accept eric's decision to take his own life, no matter how much i hated it and disagreed with it. and that by accepting eric's decision, i was loving him too. scarlet talked about how us holding on so tightly was extremely tiring... that's how i felt. extremely tired for doing this for seven long years.

within the span of minutes, all of this revelation came to me and i was stunned.

we proceeded to each light a candle for eric and pray. ann and i went up together. when i prayed, i felt this deep need to ask for God's forgiveness. i felt the need to release eric to God and that was the hardest thing i've ever done. as the tears came, i told God that i will release eric to him and that i don't want to hold on anymore. after i prayed, i felt so much freedom, so much release... i felt healed in a way. i felt like i finally accepted eric's death. and i can't say for certain what happened, but it's as if the peace of Christ finally came to my heart regarding eric's death. it wasn't superficial, it wasn't manufactured...it was real. i was amazed.

ann prayed after me and i was so touched by her prayer. as tears streamed down her face, she prayed for my parents and me. that meant so much to me. i meant so much that she loved and care for us/eric so much. i knew she sympathized and empathized with us all. ann's so great. i love that about her. she's the most amazing person i know. i've never met anyone with such an amazing, giving, loving, caring, kind heart. i was glad we lit the candles together. i was glad we both prayed.

after that, scarlet wrapped everything up... and upon her closing, the most miraculous thing happened. she told us she bought each of us a little gift, something to remember eric by and the memorial service. it was a little, clear teddy bear with a bow tie. now, the incredible thing about it was, my mom brought in the exact same teddy bear, but in a blue colour instead to the memorial service. that was something eric cherished.

i couldn't believe my eyes. of all the things she could have bought, she bought the exact same bear that eric had and cherished and this one was white in colour. at the same time, she was talking about how now eric was with God... for the first time in seven years, i finally realized, eric was with God. he was the old blue teddy bear while he was on the earth. and now, he's with God, and he has been changed and transformed into this white teddy bear.

i don't even know if i'm really articulating what i felt and experienced with that. but it indeed was miraculous. that was such a God-ordained moment. we all sat there, in awe of what happened.

eric is with God. he's in a better place now. and i can finally accept that and move on with my life. does that mean i won't miss him? no, i will always miss him and i will always remember him. but it means that i don't need to feel so possessive, so controlling, so unwilling to face the truth.

before the service, i had planned to bring eric's pooh back home with me. but after everything happened, i was fine with giving pooh back to my mom. it was okay. i didn't need pooh anymore. i felt released. i felt free. i felt peaceful. something in me has changed and i believed God has brought some healing to me today. thank You Lord!

God, you amaze me. thank you for allowing this day to be. thank you for orchestrating all of the details together and allowing me to finally entrust eric to your care. i'm sorry for holding on so long to him. i didn't know how to do it any other way. forgive me for my self-dependence and trying to be in control of everything. lead me to the way everlasting. lead me back to You Lord.

i pray you will continue to bring healing to my heart and you would continue to give me the strength, the courage, to move on. show me Lord what the next steps are. if i am in anyway still holding on to eric, allow me the grace to release Him to you.

thank you for giving me such an amazing, wonderful brother. Lord, if there's any other offensive way in me, whether it be unforgiveness, hatred, anger, bitterness, reveal this to me and make me pure. i want to follow You.

eric, i love you and i miss you. while i will never understand what you did, nor will i ever agree with it, i accept it now. i will accept that this is what you thought was best for you and i release you into the arms of God. you are in a better place now. i don't want to hold onto you anymore. i don't want to resist the truth. God is in control, not me. eric, i realize i'll never have all my questions answered, but that's okay. i can put my hope and my faith in God. love and miss you dearly. i look forward to having more times in our memorial garden, remembering all the wonderful memories we had together. until we meet again in heaven, my dear brother. with all my love, leo.

seven

August 13, 2010

eric, it gets harder every year. i remember less and you seem further and further away.

i hate this time of year. i really, really do. i dread it months before it comes. when august rolls around, i think about it every day... and day after day, as the 13th gets closer, that sense of dread rises up in me until i am overrun and helpless in my condition. and i realize, it's not the 13th that's the hardest day, it's also the 12th. because the 12th was the last day i saw you alive. the 12th was the last day i talked to you. sigh.

why did it have to come to this? why did you have to do it? couldn't we have worked it out? couldn't we have figured it out together? i would have done anything for you... anything. but no, i didn't get a say in it. none of us did. it came like a thief in the night. one day you're here with us, the next day, gone for the rest of our lives.

eric, this year, i realize, that a lot of the stuff that i've buried deep inside for so long needs to come out. it needs to surface. i don't know how and i'm paralyzed by fear to do it, but it needs to come out. i have questions. i have whys. i have deep feelings that i don't even know how to describe, let alone feel. but they are there. if i feel anger, then i want to be angry. if i feel sad, then i want to feel sad. i realize a lot of the stuff i wrote soon after you passed away, was stuff i needed to tell myself to get me through. and now, seven years later, that stuff has started to crumble down.

this year was the first time i realized i was angry with you. and i think i still am in a lot of ways. i'm angry that you could think that we would just get on by without you. i'm angry that you didn't consider us. i'm angry that you robbed me of so many memories with you. i'm angry that i don't have you here with me anymore. how, in the world, could we have just moved on without you? i will never move on. i will never forget. how can i?

you were one of the greatest influencers of my life. you were one of my greatest supports. you were one of my bestest friends. and you were my only dear brother. do you realize? i look at other brothers all the time and i can't help but feel a deep pain in my heart and a deep sense of loss because i didn't have enough time with you. 23 years wasn't enough.

every time something major happens, i wish you were there... oh how i wish you were there. like when i met ann.... like when i wanted to ask her out. like when i asked her to marry me. like when we finally got married... all these moments - you could have been there... and i could have been there for you too. i always wonder what you would have become. i always wonder where you'd have been by now. i think we would have still been the bestest friends even to this day.

eric, you know what i think i need? i think i need to really have like the biggest cry ever. i think i need to scream. i think i need to yell at the top of my lungs and mourn and deal and feel all the things i couldn't over these past many years. but how? i don't know...

you know what else i realize this year? i need more time to think about you. doing everything on august 13th isn't enough. i need more days. ann and i started doing things yesterday to remember you and that made me happy. one big thing, was ann suggested we write down all the memories i can remember of you and store it in a file so it'll help me remember. i liked that a lot and we have about two pages of notes so far. i want to keep going.

yesterday we went to markville mall. i wanted to get your pocket watch started up again. the battery died a long time ago so i got it replaced. it was really cool seeing the hands start moving again. i also wanted to eat mrs. vanelli's in your memory, but like most restaurants that you liked, it's gone now. i was shocked and in disbelief. so instead, we did something we used to do all the time. we ate double double pizza. we ordered the usual, pizza, wings, wedges. brought it home and then ate it front of the tv. we watched beauty & the beast and drank iced tea. you would have done that, you would have loved it. we even saw auntie shirley & uncle joe. that was a pleasant surprise. they were visiting mom and dad and randomly came to our place after. we even went to baskin robins afterwards and had mint chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone. oh, and we went into best buy to look at stuff while we were at the mall. it helps remember movies/tv shows you liked. i saw first knight, so i bought it. i know you liked that one too. we'll watch it sometime and remember you.

like i was saying eric, i need more days to remember... next year i'm taking the 12th & 13th off and we'll see where it goes from there. so here's my to-do-list for things to do on the days i'm trying to remember you:

- go to st. catharines, visit auntie shirley & uncle joe, go to the pen centre and go to our old house
- go to olive garden
- visit UHS
- go to coledale PS
- eat at the following restaurants
- mrs. vanellis
- king edward's arms
- swiss chalet
- mcdonalds hashbrowns
- double double
- ichiban
- olive garden
- eat the following foods
- cookies from mr. felix & norton
- mint chocolate chip ice cream
- play kitty tennis/tennis
- watch your favourite movies - beauty and the beast, princess bride, a knight's tale
- play with pooh
- play starcraft
- play street fighter
- play secret of mana

i'm sure there's tons more too, but that's all i can think about right now.

we've done a lot today. i'll write about all that in a different entry. but one of the biggest highlights was setting up a memorial garden in our backyard. it'll be the place i go when i want to remember you. i don't have a place like that right now and i need one. ann and i bought a lot of different solar-powered lights to put there. one of them is a pot of daisies. it's really nice. in front of that, i put this "i miss you" stone. that's from the butterfly release that ann and i did. it's really special. around that we put two candle/lantern things, you love candles so that'll work great. beside those, we had single daisy lights. it's a nice area. we'll add more stuff to it later. i want to add some photos if we can find outdoor picture frames...maybe a plastic pooh bear. it needs more colour and it needs more memories. maybe i'll put some of your journal entries. we'll see. it's nice. i'm happy it's there. i love ann so much for being so supportive and letting me put it there. it'll be good. i'm looking forward to spending time there, remembering you.

i guess that it's for now eric. i love you. miss you beyond words could ever express. wish you were here. i long for you to be here.

always and forever,

your brother leo.

the 30th you never had

March 29, 2010

hi eric.

for the first time since you left us, i realized something. i'm mad at you. actually, i'm downright angry with you.

i've always felt this inside but i could never bring myself to admit it because i felt like it showed that i didn't love you or didn't respect you or something. but i realize i'm entitled to feel how i feel and you need to know it.

eric, i am extremely angry with you for doing what you did. did you ever stop to consider HOW WE WOULD FEEL if you left us? did you ever think how HARD IT WOULD BE without you around us? did you!?? you thought it would be better for us if you weren't here.... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!??! HOW IS LIFE BETTER WITHOUT YOU????????

do you want to know what happened to us eric? do you think our lives got better??

my health got shot to hell. i developed this health syndrome called fibromyalgia. causes are unknown but people suggest it's due to spinal injury and/or traumatic stress... guess what? i've got both and they were both because of you. remember that crazy car accident we were in when you driving the audi? just because you got pissed off at a guy who cut you off? and we ended up in a car that was COMPLETELY totalled... well the consequences of that event have finally surfaced; in my health.

do you know how mom is doing? for the past four years, she's been barely living. pretty much at home all day, getting panic attacks, not able to function. it's taken her so long to even get back to semi-normal.

did you think that we would enjoy life like that?

and the fact that we all have this deep gaping wound inside of us that still feels as raw and as painful as the day you left us... if not worse.... all of us live with this deep sense of sorrow, pain and agony that lies underneath everything we do... because you aren't here anymore... because you decided to rob us of having the privilege of you being around us.

why would you do this do us? didn't you say you loved us? i don't understand it eric. i really don't.

don't you think we loved you so much that the fact of losing you would rip us apart?????

no you didn't think about that did you. you just thought that it'd be better for all of us this way. you thought it'd be better for you this way.

i'm calling you out eric. that was selfish and it was stupid. for once in your life, your thinking was flawed.

i didn't want to feel this way, especially on the day that would have been your 30th birthday. i wanted to have happier, fonder memories. but all i feel right now is anger, bitterness and disappointment with you. i do still love you, don't get me wrong, but this is what i feel. i hope you'll understand.

i have to figure this all out eric. i don't know how to deal with anger like this. but i know i feel it deep down because there's so much pain inside. it hurts eric. it hurts that you're not here anymore. it hurts that you thought it was best for us not to have you in our life. i miss you, my dear brother. i love you. i hope, one day, we will be reunited. i feel like i'll have a lot of questions for you, but maybe by then, it won't matter so much anymore.

happy 30th eric. i'm sure you would have had a really great birthday today. i know you would have done something special for others. that's the kind of person you were.

your brother, now and forever.

leo