he would have been 29

March 29, 2009

today is march 29th, eric's birthday. he would have been 29 this year. i've been dreading this day for a long time now... pretty much ever since it's been the month of march. dreading what i might feel, dreading having to face reality. the truth is, i don't want to. i want to run and hide. i'm afraid to face what exists within me. i'm afraid of all the pain that lives so deep within. but at the same time, a part of me wants to face it, wants to deal with it, wants to be healed...

people think that pain heals over time. people think you just "move on" and go on with life. you can't. you won't. and to be perfectly honest, i don't ever want to "move on". i want to be able to remember as much as i can. i wish i had more pictures of eric. i wish i had more memories. it's harder to remember now. a lot harder. he seems so distant now. ann suggested i keep track of what eric liked to do. she suggested i keep track of memories together. we started a list last august and today, i opened that list up for the first time since. it was nice to remember. it was nice to remember what he liked. it was nice to remember him.

i wasn't sure what to do this morning. i felt depressed. i felt stuck. i felt helpless. i wanted to remember, but i didn't know what to do. did it matter? what was the point? ann told me to do what i wanted to do and not think so much about it. i was glad she said that. i put on all eric's old clothes, his favourite guess t-shirt, his old khaki pants (which are now my favourite), his necklace and his leather jacket. i wanted to wear his old UHS t-shirt, but i couldn't find it. we went to mcdonalds to have a hashbrown for breakfast. eric adored mcdonald hashbrowns. we used to eat them by the dozen when we were kids. on a saturday morning, we'd ask our mom to go out and by us like 12 hashbrowns and then we'd gobble them up when we got home. then we went to mcbc. we were hoping to meet up with jon & christine for lunch.

after mcbc, we went to run errands. ann called jon while we were driving and asked if he was free for lunch. he was free, he made himself free... because he remembered. i was surprised. i was moved. i was touched. i couldn't believe he remembered. i thought no one did. almost immediately afterwards, i started tearing up. emotions overwhelmed me. i suddenly felt deep pain and anguish. i missed my dear brother. tears started rolling down my face. i parked the car. more emotions. feelings of regret. feelings of anger. feelings of pain. feelings of mourning. feelings of grief. eric was too young. i still don't understand why he had to go so soon. i wish he was still here with me, with us. if he only knew how loved he was. if he only knew how much he mattered. i wish i told him more. i regret not saying it more.

eric, if you were still here today, i would tell you how much i love you. i would say it all the time so you'd never forget. i'd tell you how much you mean to me and what a difference you've made in my life. i'd tell you that i always looked up to you and respected the person you were. i'd tell you that i believed in you. i'd tell you that you were a really precious person and that you were valued beyond words. i'd tell you that i was proud to have you as my brother. i'd tell you that i thought the world of you. i'd tell you everything. it kills me that i can't tell you these things face-to-face. it kills me that you never knew all of this. i really wish you did. eric, something you've taught me to do after you passed away was how important it is to tell the people that you love, that you love them. because you don't know how much time you have. one day they'll be in your life, the next day, they might be gone and it'll be too late. i don't want to regret anymore. i tell ann everyday that i love her. multiple times. all the time. i want her to know what she means to me. i wish i could express it to her better. words are never enough.

i cried a lot in the car. ann was so supportive, comforting and understanding. i'm so thankful to have her in my life. i don't know what i'd do without her. thank you ann for everything. your actions speak volumes to me. you are the best, truly, you are.

after we ran our errands, we went home and waited for jon to call to go for lunch. we met at swiss chalet. eric loved swiss chalet. we used to go to swiss chalet after tennis lessons every saturday. it was tradition. we loved it. i think eric loved eating chicken pot pies, but i can't remember for sure. i just knew he liked swiss chalet. so off we went. jon arrived and we ordered. when the waiter dropped off our drinks, i forgot that i should have ordered iced tea. eric loved iced tea. jon had ordered it. i asked for my standard water with no ice. jon smiled at me. i looked at jon and ann and said, i have to get iced tea! so we talked and talked. we shared memories about eric. i liked that. it's been a long time since i've talked with anyone about eric (aside from my family). it was nice to talk, but at the same time, it was hard. i think there's always a part of you that hurts when you remember... it's always bittersweet. always. but it was really nice to hear new memories of eric that i didn't have; memories that jon shared with eric. it was nice to hear what other things eric liked to do and what he liked in general. i added more to my list. i appreciated jon being open to me and sharing. thank you jon. it meant the world to me to have the opportunity to share with you today.

i'll be having dinner with my parents soon. we're going to go to ichiban, one of eric's favourite restaurants. i'm glad we can do that. i want to do other things to remember eric today, like watch beauty and the beast or do other things. i also want to have a picture of eric in the house. i don't want to forget. i don't want to. i can't.

eric, i wish you were here. i wish you could have met ann. i'm sure you guys would have been great friends. you always thought everyone could just "get on with life" if you weren't here. you were so wrong. i miss you tremendously and wish i could see you, hear you, laugh with you, cry with you... i wish i could just be your brother again. i love you dearly.

love, your brother,

leo

five

August 13, 2008

i've been dreading this day for a while now... didn't know what to expect or how to respond. i feel like i've been trying to avoid having to deal with my feelings and emotions with eric; i think i've been afraid of the pain i know that's deep within; i think i've been afraid of experiencing the deep sadness that lingers in my heart. some part of me wanted to cover everything up and pretend like nothing's happened. another part of me wanted to face what's there, by the power of Christ.

i began to feel like i wanted to remember, so last night, ann and i talked for a while about eric and then we drove around. eric loved driving around at night. i drove to places i hadn't been in a while - my old house, UHS and coledale. i wanted to remember.

i had to work today. i told myself i'd take this day off last year, but because of the new job, it wasn't possible. i felt like most of the day was wasted at work and i wanted nothing more than to take time to reflect, remember and mourn. it seemed like it just wasn't possible today. i got back home at 5 and then ann and i quickly cleaned up the house before leaving for dinner. i was looking forward to that. i planned to go to neptune's cove, like usual, because it was eric's favourite restaurant. i've gone there every year since he's passed away on august 13th. eric used to go there all the time. the owner recognized him. one time, he thought i looked like someone he remembered. i quickly shrugged it off and switched the topic. there's no way i wanted to let him know who i reminded him of. we drove through the city, through what seemed to be way too much traffic and finally arrived. to my horror, not only was neptune's closed, it was shut down. my heart sank. ann's heart sank. we got out of the car and walked inside. the landlord has closed their restaurant down. we turned around in disbelief. what now?

i kind of knew it was coming, but i never thought it would. every time i've been to neptune's cove, there's rarely ever been any business. ann and i used to be one of the only couples in the entire restaurant. how could they have kept in business? still, why did they have to get shut down? why now? this was eric's favourite... and i'll never be able to go there again. another memory gone.

i wanted to remember eric - what else did he like? i called my mom and she suggested king edward's arms. great idea. eric and i used to always chat there. when he worked at the pet hospital, we came almost every single monday to have wings and catch up. i always liked that. it was our quality time together. sometimes i thought we'd have nothing to say to each other. sometimes i thought it'd be awkward. but it never was. and looking back, i'm glad we did it. heck, i wish we did it even more often. as we were driving, ann suggested that we make a list of all the stuff eric liked. i thought that was a fantastic idea. when we got to dinner, we started making a list. it was great. i want to keep adding to this. i find it's harder and harder to remember the things eric liked. i find it harder and harder to remember. so whenever a memory comes, i want to capture it down. i want to remember. eating there brought back some good memories, but i still felt like i hadn't accomplished what i set out to do.

we drove to dominion to pick up some groceries really fast and then went to my parent's house. i felt like i should be with them tonight, despite my wanting to be alone with ann to remember. we (my mom, ann and myself) went through the photos that my mom keeps and shared a few memories together. i actually learned new things about eric that i didn't know before. we read through some of his old cards that were given to him and i hugged his pooh bear for a while. still no tears. i guess i've been wanting to cry, to let out what's inside, but nothing came. you can't force these things. they come when they come.

suddenly, i felt an urge to look at eric's old computer. i wanted to contact his old friends. i wanted more pictures of him. i wanted more memories of him. so i plugged everything in and turned on his computer for the first time in five years. i started digging through his files and stumbled across a file that i never expected to see. it was a chat log between eric and me! i didn't have time to read through the file, but i will definitely be doing that in the future. i was so thrilled to see that. it documented conversations in 2002 and 2003. i can't wait to read it. i also found andrea's email. i may actually email her.

after all that, ann and i headed home. i wanted to watch eric's old school videos. i wanted ann to see them with me. i also wanted to listen to "for good." every time i listen to that song, i think of eric. it was really nice to watch the videos. i got to hear eric's voice again, see his mannerisms, hear his laugh, see him move about... i miss him dearly. one of the videos was especially tough to watch because it was recorded where we found eric that night. i felt the sting of pain hit my heart. i felt so sad again. why eric? why did it have to be eric? we listened to "for good" twice. a few tears trickled from my eyes, but that was it. i guess that's all that's there tonight. i feel like my emotions, or perhaps my outward emotions, don't adequately encapsulate what my heart feels.

my heart feels overwhelmed with a deep sense of sadness, sorrow and loss, but emotionally i feel somewhat flat, numb, distant. i don't know why. i want to cry, but i can't. i feel stuck inside. is it my heart protecting itself - trying to avoid the pain that's there? i don't know. i know that Christ is fully able to bring me through this pain and bring healing in my life, but i feel like i resist that from happening... maybe i'm still not ready to do this. after five years, i don't feel like i've "progressed" much. maybe i'm not supposed to. maybe you never do. i don't really know.

through all of this though, i'm really glad to have ann in my life. she's been so supportive, so loving, so kind, so gentle, so understanding and so empathetic. i really see how much she feels my pain. eric would have loved ann. i know it. they would have gotten along so well. i can imagine that eric would have been over all the time, hanging out at the house, chatting, laughing, just having a good time. i wish that could have happened...

eric, i miss you tremendously. you were such a fantastic brother to me. i've always wished you knew how much i loved you. i wish i showed you it more often. i wish i told it to you more often. if you were here, i'd give you a massive hug and would never let go. i would tell you how much i love you. i would tell you how much i admire you. i would tell you how much i look up to you. even though it's been five years, my love for you has not diminished at all. i long for the day that we will be reunited again.

i love you eric. i love you.

til we meet again.

to my dear brother

August 13, 2007

dear eric,

i wanted to do as much as i could to remember you today; here's what i did. i wore your favourite UHS t-shirt. i wore the white columbia pants you used to own. i drove the lexus. i wore sandals. i wore the guess sunglasses you gave me. i listened to some ella fitzgerald and louie armstrong. i went to neptune's cove for lunch with ann. we made sure to eat a whole bunch of pickles for you. i wonder what your favourite meal was there? i don't remember what you ordered. the place is still run by the same owner. i went to our old house too. it's been a while since i've been there. ann and i sat outside and looked at the house and talked. it brought back some good memories, but also some hard ones too. the last vivid memory i have of you is what happened that night... i'll be going to king edward's arms with ann for dinner later. it's monday night, wing night. we used to go there to have cheap wings and chat a lot. i really enjoyed those times we shared. we had some great talks there. i'm also going to watch your old videos and look at some pictures of you; i wish i had more.

four years. sometimes it feels like i'm slowly losing the memories we shared together. i don't want that, but you seem so far away now. i want to keep our memories alive. i want to do more things that help me remember. i talked about you a lot with ann today. that made me happy. that made me remember. ann said i should write them down in a notebook so i don't forget. i want to do that.

it seems like it's been an eternity since i last saw you face to face. last night, i was thinking about the last time i saw you. you came to my room, plopped on my bed as you always did and started chatting with me. i was sitting on the computer working on something. you asked me how i knew God's will. i tried to explain it to you. after a while, you went back upstairs. that was our last conversation. that was the last time i saw you alive. i wish that day i had told you how much i loved you. i wish that day i had told you how much i looked up to you, how much i respected you, how much i thought of you. i thought so highly of you. i always wanted to know what you thought. you were the best brother i could ever have asked for and i have to say it's hard not having you around. i miss your smile, i miss your laugh, i miss your mannerisms, i miss your jokes, i miss your sarcasm, i miss your transparency, i miss your presence, i miss your company, i miss your opinions, i miss your encouargements, i miss your ideas, i miss our pooh-time, i miss playing tennis with you, i miss your advice, i miss your humour, i miss our together times, i miss everything about you.

on saturday, ann and i went to her friend's wedding. the groom's little brother stood up and delivered a speech. it made me think of you. it made me miss you. how i wish you could be there and deliver your speech when ann and i get married. i always thought you would be there by my side when i got married. you would have been so happy for me. your speech would have meant a lot to me. i wish i could've heard what you would have written.

i'm not sure what to feel today. i'm not sure. i feel sad. my heart feels downcast. i miss you. i wish you were here. i want to cry, but no tears come and i can't force it. do you know how much we all loved you? i don't think you did. you thought it would be easy for us to forget about you and move on with our lives. how could we? it's four years and it's still really hard. we think about you all the time. we miss you all the time.

i don't want to accept the reality that you're not here anymore. i don't. i know it in my head, but not in my heart. my heart doesn't want that reality. i want you to come back somehow. i want to see you again. i guess i won't have that until we are reunited in heaven. i hope i recognize you. i hope you recognize me. i know that i have to accept that you're not here anymore, but i'm still not ready. i don't know when i'll be.

eric, i love you. i always will. thank you for being the brother you were. thank you for everything. i can't wait to see you again.

love,

leo

ps. ann bought mom a lot of daisies in memory of you. your favourite flower! i took a picture of one for you.